


Thyme of Our Lives

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1 Things, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Homophobic Language, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 20:55:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: “Hope you’re hungry, Counselor. I’ve made enough to serve the whole Carisi clan,” Sonny called out through the apartment.“If it’s as good as you claim, I’ll take home leftovers,” Rafael replied with sincerity. “And for the record, I’m in your apartment, you don’t have to call me Counselor.”ORFive times Sonny cooked for Rafael, and one time Rafael cooked for Sonny





	Thyme of Our Lives

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PhillyStrega](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhillyStrega/gifts).



> This prompt TERRIFIED me when I first got it, and now this is probably my favourite fic I've written.
> 
> Many thanks to ChameleonCircuit for her continued beta-ing and general support!
> 
> And of course, thanks to Java_Genie for the prompt. I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> Disclaimer: I projected hard and snuck in my love for gymnastics into this. Soz about it.
> 
> \-- there is one homophobic word in this, fair warning

**Rigatoni alla Papino**

 

Rafael wiped his hands on his pants in a poor attempt to remove the sweat. He couldn’t believe he had agreed to this. More than that, he couldn’t believe that he was _nervous._

The plain, white door loomed over him, beckoning him to announce his arrival. He could turn back. He’d been an ass on more than one occasion. Once more wouldn’t be totally out of character.

No.

He straightened his back.

He wouldn’t back down. He wouldn’t be intimidated by the likes of Sonny Carisi.

He knocked.

 _“Just a sec,”_ the familiar accent called out.

Too late to back out now.

The door opened.

Of course Sonny would own an apron. Of course he would own an apron with his own name stitched into it. ‘Sonny’. Embroidered with sky blue thread onto the bright, yellow fabric.

“You made it,” he breathed out, his eyes raking over Rafael’s body.

“Well, I figured it was time to see what all the fuss was about.”

Sonny gestured for him to come in, and so Rafael did. Instantly he was overwhelmed with a rich, delicious scent.

“Take a seat at the table, it’s almost ready.”

Rafael took an opportunity to soak in the apartment as he sat down. A coffee table covered in law books, even though Sonny had already graduated. A chestnut bookcase, filled with collections and films. It wasn’t a large apartment, teetering more on the cramped side. Something told Rafael that Sonny was content. That he didn’t rent this apartment for the size. One quick glance over the bench top proved that. The kitchen was modern and huge. Enough room to prepare a Christmas feast if Sonny wanted to, with room to spare.

Sonny was hunched over a large pan, serving up their meal for the evening.

“Hope you’re hungry, Counselor. I’ve made enough to serve the whole Carisi clan,” Sonny called out through the apartment.

“If it’s as good as you claim, I’ll take home leftovers,” Rafael replied with sincerity. “And for the record, I’m in your apartment, you don’t have to call me Counselor.”

Sonny stepped into the living area holding a bottle of wine.

“You better like Cabernet, because that’s what you’re getting.”

He carefully poured into the wine glasses already set on the table.

“It smells good,” Rafael simply said about the food yet to have arrived.

Sonny had been ready to step back into the kitchen, but he stopped and his eyebrows raised.

“A near-compliment. Colour me shocked, Cou- Barba.”

Rafael smirked.

“People usually say ‘thank you’ after a compliment.”

“People usually aren’t complimented by you,” Sonny retorted, heading back to the kitchen.

Rafael loved flirting with Sonny. Others saw it as insults and begrudging respect, but they knew. They knew this was foreplay for them. The jabs and comebacks were always a part of their developing relationship.

Sonny returned without his apron, and with two steaming bowls, the hearty scent drifting closer to Rafael. It was truly mouth-watering. He placed a bowl carefully in front of Rafael before taking his own seat. Rafael definitely noticed that he chose the seat closest to him.

“What are we eating?”

“It’s a surprise,” Sonny replied with a wink, taking a small sip of his wine. Rafael gave him a pointed look. “Alright fine. _Rigatoni alla Papino._ ”

“ _Papino._ I’ve never heard of it.”

Sonny blushed slightly.

“It’s not- My Nonna learned this recipe from her father, so the name has always stuck.”

Rafael felt his eyebrows raise curiously.

“So, _Papino_ is…”

Sonny lifted his glass almost to his lips.

“Daddy,” he mumbled, taking a well-timed sip.

“Daddy.”

There was an awkward silence as Rafael fought back the urge to laugh.

“It’s what my Nonna called her daddy- her _father_ , okay?”

Rafael just nodded, picking up his fork, ready to taste the delicious-smelling meal.

The first bite made his eyes water. He couldn't stop himself, gently closing his eyes, letting the rich textures lay on his tongue for a moment. The slightest of moans slipped out, but he would never apologise for that. Not when the meal tasted that good. He chewed slowly, allowing the _rigatoni_ and tomato and ground mince to fill his senses.

He softly opened his eyes.

Sonny hadn’t even touched his meal. Instead his jaw was slightly dropped, and he was staring at Rafael, waiting.

“Thoughts?”

“Carisi, I- this is amazing.”

Sonny’s gaze dropped, his smile bashful. Only then did he start eating.

Rafael took another bite, and another, and another. He hoped to savour the meal, but it was so utterly delicious that he craved more after every bite, shovelling it down like he was starved. He scooped up every last morsel, refraining from licking the bowl clean purely due to present company. Only when there was nothing left did he finally speak.

“I’m pleasantly surprised, Carisi. When Liv said you could cook, I honestly expected- I don’t even know what I expected.”

Sonny waved his hand, brushing off the compliment.

“Liv doesn’t know what she’s talking about. The best they’ve ever had from me is spaghetti and tomato sauce.”

Rafael smirked knowingly, wrapping his hand around his glass of wine.

“So is this a special occasion then?” He took a sip of the rich liquid, thoroughly enjoying the way Sonny’s ears went pink with embarrassment.

“Something like that,” he mumbled, staring into his own glass. Rafael decided to spare the detective from any further teasing.

“Where did you learn to cook like that?”

Instantly Sonny lit up.

“When I was a kid, my Nonna used to get me to help out in the kitchen. My sisters found it all super boring, but I loved learning all the different recipes and techniques. She always said I could be a chef some day.”

Rafael considered that for a moment.

“So… How did you end up a cop?”

Sonny shrugged.

“I dunno, my Dad’s a cop, so it seemed like the right move. Don’t get me wrong, I love the job. I wouldn’t change a thing. This is all just a hobby now.” He gestured to the table.

“A delicious hobby.”

“Your words, Counselor.” Rafael threw him a look. “Barba. Sorry.”

“So you grew up cooking?”

Something changed in Sonny’s face. A bittersweet shift, as he appeared to be reminisce.

“At first. When I was really young. But, you know, things happen.”

Rafael was never one for prying, but something told him Sonny had never talked about this. Something told him that he could be the one to hear it.

“Sounds like a specific ‘thing’ stopped you.”

Sonny gulped down some of his wine, leaving only a small mouthful left.

“I forgot how well you can read people.” Rafael didn’t reply, instead he waited for Sonny to continue. “I dunno, I enjoyed it, but my Dad didn’t think I should be doing it. Once I hit double digits, he’d send my sisters into the kitchen then say they had enough helping hands.”

He could sense there was more to the story.

“I’m sure your Nonna appreciates your help now.”

That was definitely not the right thing to say.

“She, uh… she passed away when I was 17.”

Rafael’s heart constricted.

“I’m… I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

Sonny waved him off.

“You didn’t know. It’s okay.”

They sat in a sad silence, reflecting on Nonna’s and Abuelita’s and food and love.

“She left me her recipes.” Sonny finally spoke. “When she passed. All her recipes, handed down from her _papino_ and his family.”

“That’s a wonderful way to remember her.” He gave what he hoped was a sincere smile, which Sonny gratefully returned.

“I guess I just… I always wished I could have learned with her. From her. Not just with her handwriting and her notes.” He drained the rest of his glass.

Rafael felt a question bubbling, and he truly tried to stop himself from asking.

“Have you spoken to your Dad about this?”

Sonny’s eyes widened, surprised at the question.

“I… no. He didn’t realise what he was doing. You know, for him the normal thing to do was drink his beer, watch his football games, and be ‘one of the guys’. I’m his only son, so I think he just wanted the same for me. For me to be normal like him. I spent a lot of time swaying back and forth between living in his image, and rebelling his plan. I think in the end though, he just wanted to protect me.”

Rafael understood, to an extent. He understood what it was like to have a father try and change him, though his father always opted for the fists and belts method, rather than subtlety. And while he couldn’t understand still respecting his father, he could understand the underlying desire to please him. Or to prove him wrong. Some days he still wasn’t sure which he was doing.

“I’m sorry.” It was all he could offer, but for Sonny it seemed to be enough. Rafael reached out and grabbed the wine bottle. “Top up?”

Sonny smiled, offering his glass.

 

Clearing the plates was something Rafael had almost been looking forward to. A way to repay Sonny for the hard work he'd put into the meal. He had expected a little give and take, but he believed he'd win their little argument.

Instead he found himself nursing the last of his wine, leaning against the kitchen entry, watching Sonny wash up.

“You know, I could-”

“For the last time Barba, you are not cleaning up. If I even let you near the drying cloth, my Nonna will appear and smack me upside the back of my head.”

Rafael backed off. For a moment.

“Just let me-”

“Rafael. Ask one more time, and I won't ever cook for you again.”

A thousand responses surged through Rafael's body.

_You just called me Rafael._

_I’m sorry, please cook for me again._

_Don’t threaten me, Carisi._

“Are we doing this again?” he went with, flashing a knowing smirk Sonny's way.

He was eternally grateful that Sonny had a horrible poker face, especially in moments like this where he became incredibly flustered.

“Well, I- I just thought- we don't have to-”

“Sonny,” Rafael cut in. “I'd love to.”

That smile. It sent warm waves of joy throughout Rafael's whole body. It set fire to his heart in the most perfect way, particularly knowing that he was the reason.

 

Goodbyes at the end of first dates were not Rafael's speciality. For someone who made a living reading people, he could never tell if a date had gone well. He never knew if a kiss or hug was appropriate. It was part of the reason he had spent so long maintaining strictly physical relationships. After all, the perfect way to avoid the situation was to avoid dating altogether.

Sonny was standing in his doorway, one elbow resting on the door, high above his head. Just enough that his shirt was revealing the slightest amount of his skin above his jeans. It took all of Rafael's willpower not to stare.

“Thanks for coming, Barba.”

“Thanks for lending me your Tupperware,” he replied, the warmth of the leftovers reminding him of how delicious the meal had been. How Sonny was a continued surprise that he hoped to keep discovering.

Sonny scratched the back of his neck. He looked like he wanted to say something.

“Barba, I- I'm sorry. That I went on about all that depressing shit. You know, the last thing you wanna hear about is me talking about like, death and stuff. Sorry if it ruined your night.”

Sonny had barely finished the sentence when Rafael stepped forward, placed a tender hand on his cheek, and kissed him before he could back out. A surprised noise came from Sonny, but he leaned into the kiss immediately, softly resting his hands on Rafael's hips.

They pulled away, breathless and ecstatic.

“Same time next week?” Rafael breathed out.

“Sure thing, Counselor.” Rafael gave him a pointed look at the formality. “You're not in my apartment anymore.” The sass would normally have Rafael rolling his eyes, but tonight it was endearing. He gave Sonny a feather-light kiss on the cheek, before stepping away. “Any requests for food?"

Rafael gave him smirk that he knew Sonny loved, if the pure desire in his eyes was anything to go by.

“Surprise me, Detective.”

  


**Camarão no leite de coco**

 

When Rafael stepped into the apartment, three things were the same. He was incredibly nervous, Sonny was wearing that ridiculous apron again, and there was a mouth-watering scent filling his senses.

The difference was the specifics of the scent; a little sweeter, a little spicier.

“Take a seat, Barba.”

He dropped into his usual spot, trying to ignore the fact that he considered this chair to be his usual spot.

“Do you need a hand?”

“Don't be ridiculous. Relax, I'll be there in a sec.”

And so he was, carrying two glasses filled with a near-clear liquid and pieces of lime.

He handed one to Rafael, placing his own on the table.

“ _Caipirinha?_ ” Rafael guessed after a small sip.

“You've had it?” Sonny asked from the kitchen, serving up their meal for the night.

“Once or twice. I didn't expect Brazilian food tonight.”

Sonny returned with two bowls.

“I'm full of surprises,” he said with a wink, taking his seat next to Rafael.

He looked into the bowl.

“Wow. This looks amazing.”

“ _Camarão no leite de coco_.” The accent was understandably atrocious, though Rafael chose to overlook it. “Shrimp in coconut sauce.”

It certainly smelled delicious. A scent that reminded Rafael of Summer, a welcomed contrast to the leaves falling outside.

He scooped up a spoonful of shrimp, bell peppers and sauce, already knowing it would be perfection.

Sweet and spicy, just as he'd suspected. It brought him to a time and a place he hadn't even experienced. Beaches, and ocean air, and a loving family holding him. It was a whole body experience that left him wanting more.

A pair of piercing blue eyes brought him back to reality. Sonny, waiting somewhat patiently for Rafael's thoughts. Rafael's praise.

“This is amazing, Carisi.”

Only then did Sonny let himself start eating.

They finished their meals in a content silence, focusing on the textures and taste, knowing they didn't need to fill the quiet.

“I have to say, I'm surprised,” Rafael commented once he'd enjoyed the last mouthful.

“That was the plan.” Sonny smirked.

“I'm talking about the cuisine choice. Just surprised a detective from Staten Island would even know where to begin with Brazilian food.”

Sonny scratched the back of his neck, blushing slightly.

“Well, it's not like I grew up eating it. But last year my sister, Gina, got really into the Olympics. She wanted to have a Rio-themed party, and she asked me to cook some stuff for it.”

“So… you learned how to cook Brazilian food for a party?”

“Exactly.”

Rafael sensed this wasn't the whole story. He'd expected himself to be the one to hold back from the truth in this relationship, yet this was twice now he had to pry the honesty from Sonny.

“So, the Olympics. What did you watch?”

“Uh- I watched the um, the swimming. You know, the freestyle and the- the back one.”

“Back stroke?” Rafael offered, amused with how flustered the detective was getting.

“Yeah. Yeah, the back stroke. Um, want another drink?”

Before he could respond, he grabbed Rafael's empty glass and retreated into the kitchen.

When he returned, his shoulders were set strong.

“I have a confession.”

“You don't say.”

Sonny rolled his eyes.

“I didn't watch the swimming. Well, I did. But only because everyone else was. I, um…”

“Sonny just spit it out, I'm sure it's not that bad.”

“I watched the gymnastics.”

Rafael was halfway through a sip, when he paused.

“That's it?”

“Yeah,” Sonny breathed out, as if it was some huge confession.

“Carisi, that's one of the most watched Olympic sports. Why are you embarrassed by that?”

“I'm not- I'm not embarrassed. It's just… I dunno, growing up I wasn't allowed to be into that stuff. I had a gym teacher once tell me I'd be good at the sport, but if it wasn't baseball I couldn't even try it.”

Rafael nodded. The more he heard about Sonny's past, the more he understood the man before him, and the more he fell for him.

“Well, I'm not judging you for watching it. Not that I know what there is to judge, I've never actually watched it.”

Sonny nearly spat out his drink.

“Are you serious?”

“Sports aren't really my thing.”

That was true. He'd been similarly forced into them at a young age, though never showed an aptitude for them.

“I- I mean sure, regular sports. But this is- I'll have to show you sometime. It's on another level.”

Rafael glanced to the couch. Not big, just enough for the two of them to sit comfortably close.

“It's early. You could show me tonight?”

Sonny's eyes widened, as an ecstatic grin stretched across his face.

“Really?”

 

Rafael was right, the couch would bring them comfortably close. What he hadn't expected was intimacy straight away, though he really should have. Sonny had stretched his arm across the back of the couch, his hand lightly resting on Rafael's shoulder.

“So that's David Belyavskiy. He was so close to medalling, but Max Whitlock managed to bring out one of the best performances he's ever done. I swear, if Max competed like that all the time, he'd be a household name.”

Rafael struggled to keep up with the thousands of names Sonny kept spouting, particularly when half the gymnasts looked the same. He tried to stick to appreciating the muscled men, though half of them looked like they were barely 21, and he really didn't care much for the rest. Not when Sonny was sitting next to him, his eyes lit up with joy. It was worth spending the next hour watching the event. It was worth spending a lifetime watching gymnastics competitions. It was worth it, if it kept Sonny smiling like that.

“Oh, and there's Nile Wilson. He's an up-and-comer, if he can just stay healthy I know he'll blitz it next time 'round.”

Rafael let his eyes glance to the side again. His heart swelled, seeing Sonny so open about something he loved so much. He had the sudden hope that one day, he could provide the same amount of joy and happiness for Sonny.

“There he is. King Kohei. This guy is like, the MVP of gymnastics, every single meet.” Sonny finally dragged his eyes away from the screen, meeting Rafael's own. “You know, we don't have to watch this. We can just-”

Rafael shut him up by planting a sweet, soft kiss on his lips.

“Sonny. I want to watch.”

That was the truth. He wanted to watch it. To understand the appeal. To understand Sonny just a little bit more.

 

“I can’t believe how intense that was.” Rafael’s heart was pumping, as was Sonny’s. He knew this as he was curled up against Sonny, his head resting close to the younger man’s chest. “Oleg was so close!”

“Right? I knew what was going to happen, but those high bar routines are still so exciting. You should have seen everyone at my party, they were screaming.”

Rafael lifted his head from his chest to look at Sonny, their faces now beautifully close. Sonny licked his lips softly, which Rafael couldn’t help but stare at. His arm tightened around Rafael, pulling him closer.

Up until he’d been swept up in the competition on the screen, this had been Rafael’s end game.

They started slow. Small, tentative kisses, unsure of how far to go.

Rafael took charge.

He lifted his hand to the back of Sonny’s neck and opened his lips slightly more. Sonny followed his lead, resting his other hand on Rafael’s leg.

Then a thought surged forward to the front of Rafael’s mind. He broke away suddenly, to the surprise of Sonny.

“I’m sorry, did I-”

“Your party.”

Sonny’s eyebrows furrowed.

“What?”

“You just said it was your party, not your sister’s.” Rafael could feel a smirk creeping in as Sonny blushed furiously.

“You just couldn’t let that slide, could you?”

“I’m sorry, Sonny, have you met me?” Sonny’s eyebrows shot high on his forehead. Then before Rafael could process it, those perfect pink lips were back on his own with renewed fervour, which he eagerly returned. As tongues discovered each other, and lips caressed each other, and hands pulled each other closer, Rafael was overwhelmed with a feeling of love.

 

Grown adults generally didn’t spend half an hour making out on couches like teenagers, yet that’s exactly what Rafael and Sonny did that night. If it weren’t for an early start for Rafael, he would have spent the night. He also didn’t want to rush. He didn’t want to leap into the next steps. He wanted Sonny to be treated how he should be - with respect, and care, and appreciation.

So when they stood once again in the doorway to Sonny’s apartment, and when Sonny not-so-subtly asked Rafael once again if it wasn’t too late to be going home, Rafael gathered all of his willpower to politely decline. Although Sonny was somewhat disappointed, he could see he understood.

“If you’re sure, Rafael.”

His heart leapt in his chest.

“Rafael, huh?”

Sonny reached out and linked his fingers with Rafael’s own.

“You called me Sonny earlier.”

He racked his brain to remember, and when he did, he found he wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed.

Instead of responding, he stepped in close, placed his hands on Sonny’s hips and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Sonny’s hands found his face, cupping Rafael’s jaw tenderly. He held their bodies close, hips pressed against each other.

For a brief moment he considered ignoring his own rules. He considered pushing Sonny into the apartment, ripping his clothes off of him, and discovering more and more about the brilliant man.

Instead he forced himself to break the kiss. They both let out a breathy laugh, Sonny leaning his forehead against Rafael’s own.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, Counselor.”

Rafael was about to reprimand him for the use of his job title, but Sonny beat him to the punch, pulling him in for one more kiss.

“Alright, _Detective_ , I do have to go,” he mumbled against Sonny’s lips.

“Just one more,” Sonny murmured, pressing his lips over and over against Rafael’s own.

In amidst the kisses and gentle touches, Rafael realised he would never, ever deny Sonny what he wanted or needed.

He never would.

  


**Bún Nem Nuóng**

 

Whenever they saw each other at work, Rafael felt confident. Sonny was still gazing after him like he was God’s greatest gift, and Rafael was still teasing him at every opportunity. It was familiar territory for them.

However, every time he stood outside Sonny’s apartment door, a wave of nerves washed over him. Especially this time.

This time was different.

The bag in his hands was a constant reminder of that.

It had been two weeks since their last date. Work and life had always intervened, and stolen kisses in elevators and Rafael’s office were driving him wild.

So when they finally had a night to themselves, Rafael made a very forward decision.

 

_“So this Friday, you definitely have the night off, yes?”_

_“Yes Barba, I triple-checked.”_

_Rafael smirked. Sonny was clearly around someone in the squad and trying to keep things professional._

_“And you definitely have the next morning off?” He let his voice drop to a deep purr._

_“I- yes. Why?” He sounded flustered._

_“Well, if you’d like… Maybe I could repay you for all the meals you’ve cooked for me?”_

_There was a pause, and an unidentifiable sound. Then all the background noise on Sonny’s end disappeared._

_“How do you plan on doing that?” Sonny’s voice was also deeper now. A near-growl._

 

Rafael shook his head of the memory of being coaxed to completion just from Sonny's voice alone.

He knocked.

He had grown to appreciate the embroidered apron. A bright reflection of Sonny's entire personality.

“Hey,” Sonny simply breathed out.

“Hey.”

Normally he'd walk right in. Instead they stepped into each other's space, wrapped strong arms around each other, and leaned in for a sweet kiss.

“Something smells amazing,” he said once they reluctantly pulled apart.

“Go take a seat, it's almost ready.”

Rafael had given up on offering to help, instead he followed Sonny's orders, placing his bag behind the couch as he did.

“One of these days you'll let me help out.”

He glanced to Sonny over the counter, and noticed the sweet smile on his face. Perhaps he too was wondering about the future, and how many meals they would share together, and a time where Rafael would help out. Perhaps he was picturing their future apartment, with a large kitchen for Sonny and an expensive coffee machine for Rafael, and a small, comfortable couch that they could snuggle up on. Perhaps he was imagining all of the things Rafael was, and smiling for the same reasons Rafael was.

“Baby steps, Barba. I don't know if I trust you in the kitchen yet.”

“I'm not a child, I have cooked before.”

Sonny returned from the kitchen with two mugs, stirring Rafael's curiosity.

“Re-heating leftovers doesn't count as cooking.”

He placed the mugs on the table before returning to the kitchen.

“Coffee?”

“With a twist of sorts.”

“Trying to keep me up?” he teased as he took a sip. “Oh, it's sweet.”

“That'd be the condensed milk.” Sonny returned with two bowls, overflowing with vegetables, taking his seat next to Rafael.

“Condensed milk? That's different.”

“Not in Vietnam.”

Rafael finally looked to the meal in front of him. It was like a delicious rainbow of vegetables, with chopped up egg rolls and pork meatballs on top.

“I'm not even going to question how you learned to cook Vietnamese food.”

Sonny smiled, waiting for Rafael to take the first bite.

And so he did.

He truly didn't know how Sonny did it every time. Every bite transported him somewhere new, somewhere he'd never been except in his imagination. Now he was sitting in a loud marketplace, sweaty from the humidity, content with his solitude. He felt young and free.

“Any thoughts?”

“Sonny, I… you have a gift.”

As was their routine, Sonny then allowed himself to start eating, content with the praise.

 

“So I know I wasn't going to ask, but I have to.”

“Where did I learn to cook Vietnamese food?” Rafael nodded, draining the last of his mug of the sweet coffee, the taste of the meal still on his tongue. “Well I, uh… I lived there. For a couple of months.”

That certainly wasn't the answer he was expecting.

“I- you lived there?”

Sonny shrugged as if it wasn’t a perception-changing revelation.

“Yeah, after I graduated high school.”

He waited for Sonny to elaborate, to explain how and why he ended up in South East Asia for months.

“Well?” he asked after a moment. “How did that happen?”

Sonny rested his arm on the back of Rafael’s chair, relaxing back into his own.

“Picture this. I’m 17. My Nonna has just passed. My Dad has been riding my ass about college and the fact that I’ve been crying over her death. You know, his own mother and he couldn’t even cry about it.” His eyes filled with a certain bitterness as he took a sip of his coffee, which surely had to be cold by now. “I’m angry, and I’m misunderstood. So, you know, every teenager ever. Anyway, one night I’m watching TV, and this travel show pops on. The guy is travelling through Vietnam on a food tour, and I just felt this- I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Longing?” Rafael offered.

“Yeah, something like that. And I’d been saving for about a year for college, and suddenly this was the only thing that mattered. I booked a flight, I kept aside enough for a flight home when I was ready, I told Theresa when I needed a lift, and then the day before I was due to leave, I told my parents.”

Rafael had a brief moment of panic as he pictured telling his own parents that.

“What did they say?”

“My Pops was obviously pissed. My Ma tried to talk me out of it. I hadn’t even turned 18, and she was terrified of me getting bombed by Charlie. Theresa thought I was an idiot, Gina tried to convince me to go to Aruba, and Bella begged me to buy her a ticket.”

He tried to picture himself doing that at 17. Instead he was reminded of the only thought that ran through his mind at all times when he was that age. Harvard. It was all he wanted, all he cared about. He didn’t have time for soul searching and self-reflection.

“So, you just went?”

“Yep. Started off in Ho Chi Minh City. That’s where I learned the most about the food. There’s this market there, Ben Thanh markets. _Amazing_ food. You haven’t lived until you’ve had traditional _pho_ there.”

Rafael spent a few moments piecing together Sonny Carisi in his mind. The sensitive teenager. The hopeful child. The rebellious young adult. The brash, over enthusiastic green detective. And now, the man before him. Sweet. Kind. Brilliant.

“So, do you travel often?”

“Nah, I want to though. Just want to get a bit further with my career first.” Rafael nodded. He understood the desire to put his career above more romantic dreams. “I’d love to do a food tour through Europe some day. That’d be the dream.”

Rafael was struck with a thought that dropped his heart to his stomach. Something he hadn’t even considered when entering a possible relationship with Sonny. He couldn’t hold back, even though the possible truth terrified him.

“That would be pretty tough with kids though.” He prayed his prying passed for a subtle commentary on Sonny’s future. Sonny’s knowing smile told him he could see right through him.

“Which is why I don’t want any. Don’t get me wrong, kids are cute. And I’m amazing with them. But having my own? No thank you. I want to work, and travel, and I don’t wanna be held back from that.”

Without warning, Rafael leaned over and showed Sonny how absolutely perfect he thought he was, through one tender kiss.

“What was that for?” Sonny breathed out after they broke apart.

“You just constantly amaze me.”

Sonny blushed furiously.

“Nah, come on.”

“Sonny, I’m serious. You’re breathtaking.”

Just when Rafael thought Sonny couldn’t blush further, he did.

And just when Rafael thought Sonny couldn’t surprise him further, he placed a strong hand gently on Rafael’s thigh. Not too high up, but just suggestive enough that his heart started racing.

_I love you._

It nearly slipped out when he gazed into those baby blues.

It wasn’t time to say it, but it was true.

 

Rafael woke up to warm sunlight gently washing over his face. He opened his eyes to a sleeping, naked Sonny lying next to him, their legs tangled around each other. He allowed himself a few moments to let his eyes wander over Sonny’s body. The smooth, pale skin, covered in love bites and faded scratches. The gorgeous lips, still slightly red from the passion of the night before. Rafael’s favourite part of Sonny in this moment was the tousled hair. He had only ever seen it perfectly kept, yet somehow this was more beautiful. More real.

When Sonny finally blinked his eyes open, Rafael swore he’d never feel this happy again his life.

“Mornin’ Raf,” he croaked sleepily.

“Morning, Sonny.”

  


**Chickpea Pilaf with leftover Chicken and Vegetables**

 

Rafael knocked on the door, the regular nerves that popped up whenever he visited the apartment still bubbling under the surface. He expected the usual sweet greeting, and to smell delicious food, and to be nervous yet relaxed, like he had finally come home.

Instead he heard a loud, clattering sound, like someone dropping a plate.

“ _Shit- hold on a sec!_ ” Sonny sounded flustered.

“Is everything alright?” he called through the door when he didn’t hear anything for a moment.

“ _Yep. Sorry, coming!_ ”

The door finally opened.

Rafael never thought he’d miss the sight of Sonny’s apron. Yet here he was, unable to appreciate a sweaty, suit-wearing Sonny, all because he didn’t have a blinding yellow fabric over the top.

“I am so sorry I kept you waiting,” he stammered, gesturing for Rafael to come in. Rafael did, dropping his bag behind the couch and dropping into his usual chair at the table. “I literally got home half an hour ago, and I had this amazing meal planned but it would take way too long to cook now, so I’ve had to whip something up last minute. I hope that’s alright.”

Sonny was moving a mile-a-second around the kitchen as he spoke, rushing to get everything ready.

“Sonny, would you slow down for a second? You’re gonna hurt yourself.”

He hadn’t expected Sonny to actually listen, so when he stopped and took a deep breath, it was a welcomed surprise.

“Sorry. I just had this amazing meal planned, and I was really looking forward to it.”

Rafael leapt from his chair, strode into the kitchen to wrap his arms around Sonny’s waist.

“You know I’m not going anywhere, right? There’ll be other times to have whatever it was you had planned.”

Sonny lifted Rafael’s hands to his lips, planting a soft kiss on each one, and Rafael _melted_ into the touch.

“I won’t give anything away, but I think you’re gonna love it.”

Rafael leaned up and gave Sonny a sweet peck on the lips.

“So what’s the plan for tonight?”

Sonny rubbed the back of his neck, gesturing to the plates in front of him.

“I had some leftovers, so I kinda mixed it in with this chickpea pilaf. I dunno, I’ve taken the Turkish cuisine and butchered it with some rotisserie chicken and microwaved veggies.”

Sonny seemed so embarrassed over the meal that Rafael was overcome with a desire to kiss the shame away. So he did, pulling Sonny's head down for a brief press of the lips. A thank you.

“I don't know your policy on this, but do you want to eat on the couch and watch The Bachelor?”

Sonny beamed, and Rafael promised to himself that he'd do anything to keep that smile on his face.

 

“Kelsey is _such_ a bitch,” Sonny mumbled through a mouthful of food. “If Chad keeps her around, he's an idiot.”

“Oh absolutely. She's really manipulative though, I bet he doesn't see the bitchiness.” Sonny gave Rafael an unreadable look, before grabbing his phone and furiously began texting. “What are you doing?”

“Telling Rollins that someone agrees with me. She's gonna be pissed.”

Rafael's heart sunk a little at the word 'someone’. He tried to remind himself that they hadn't disclosed, and neither had spoken about doing so any time soon. He couldn't deny the disappointment he felt though. He wanted people to know about them, he realised. He wanted to be able to walk into the squad room and everyone know that they had each other. He wanted to know that if Sonny was ever hurt on the job, he would get the phone call straight away. That he wouldn't have to wait and hear secondhand information from someone else. He wanted every part of Sonny.

“You okay?”

Rafael caught himself staring at Sonny, who had noticed.

“Yeah. Sorry. The uh- the food was amazing, by the way.”

“Nah, it was nothing.”

“Seriously. When you said we were having leftovers, I wasn't expecting this.” He gestured to the plates resting on the coffee table. “You said it was Turkish?”

Sonny rested comfortably against the armrest of the couch, stretching his legs across Rafael's lap. It was probably not what Sonny expected, but Rafael carefully removed his socks and started rubbing Sonny's feet.

“Oh man, you don't have to do that,” Sonny moaned, his eyes drifting closed.

“I don't have to, I want to.”

“The pilaf was Turkish. A poor attempt really.”

“Please don't tell me you lived in Turkey or something.”

Sonny chuckled, his eyes still closed.

“Nah, nothing like that. When I worked in Brooklyn, there was a little hole-in-the-wall place nearby. None of the guys wanted to go there, but I used to pop by every couple of days. The owners were really lovely.”

Rafael smiled fondly. Of course Sonny would make friends with the owners.

“What was Brooklyn like?”

Sonny's eyes opened. He stared at the roof as if it would offer some advice.

“Tough. I wasn't there very long, but I didn't really fit in.”

“Too hipster for you?”

Sonny chuckled once again, though there was less life in it.

“Nah, nothing like that.”

Rafael paused his hands.

“Did something happen?”

Sonny shrugged, his gaze still locked to the ceiling.

“Nothing specific. Just the same old. You know, times are changing but in a lot of places the NYPD is still an old boys club.”

Rafael could only imagine the things that he went through.

“Could you talk to your C.O?”

Sonny huffed a bitter laugh.

“Not when he was the one telling everyone about the fag cop in his precinct.”

Rafael's blood ran cold. He began rubbing Sonny's feet again, an attempt at soothing the younger man.

“Sonny, I-”

“It's alright. Brooklyn was the worst though. I thought no one knew, or at least could tell, and then a couple of days in everyone started treating me differently. I wasn't being invited to drinks, I wasn't being asked to interview perps. Basically got stuck on desk duty.”

Rafael felt his blood pumping over the fact that in this day and age, people still faced this kind of discrimination.

“So you left?”

“Transferred to Queens as soon as I could. Thought it'd be better.”

He stopped rubbing again.

“It wasn't?”

Sonny shook his head.

“Turns out my new Captain was friends with my old Captain, and yeah. You can probably guess.”

Rafael could. Rafael could, and it made him furious. No wonder Sonny was so different when he first met him. The tough exterior, the brash attitude… it was all a defense mechanism. A protection against the possible discrimination he never wanted to endure again.

“I'm so sorry, Sonny.”

Sonny waved the apology off.

“Nah, it's alright. Well, it's not. But it's better now. The squad here are amazing. I wouldn't wanna leave.”

_I love you._

Again, it almost blurted out of him. He couldn't say it now though. Sonny deserved not to associate love with the hate he received. He deserved a sweeping moment worthy of remembering.

Instead he slowly repositioned them, so he was lying over Sonny, their lips almost touching.

“I don't want you to leave,” he whispered over Sonny's lips.

“I'm not going anywhere.”

  


**Ropa Vieja**

 

It had been way too long since they had eaten together. Sure, they'd had quick dinners, and they had spent the night at each other's places, but it was always quick and busy and not enough.

Two months of this.

They knew their work life was going to be a factor in how much time they spent together, but Rafael was feeling particularly selfish. He wanted Sonny around all of the time.

This was their first Friday night off at the same time in a long while. Their first weekend off together also. Rafael had his bag packed for a full weekend spent in Sonny's beautiful apartment.

He knocked on the door.

The apron he'd grown to love and adore was finally wrapped around Sonny's lanky frame. Rafael instantly stepped inside, dropped his bag, and planted a kiss on Sonny's sweet lips.

“I've missed you,” he breathed out in between kisses.

“You saw me this morning,” Sonny laughed as Rafael kissed his cheeks and neck and nose.

“Shut up, I can still miss you.”

Sonny let him continue his kissing for a moment longer, before gently pushing him off.

“Save your strength Raf. We've gotta eat first.”

Only then did Rafael remember how special the night was. It had been three months since their first date. Sonny had been promising this meal for a while now.

The scent hit him first.

It hit him like a sucker punch to the face.

A spicy, hearty scent that brought tears to his eyes and caused his heart to pound.

He remembered stirring a pan with his Abuelita, mixing the herbs and spices in with the onions and bell peppers and garlic.

He remembered eating from a bowl in the sanctuary of his bedroom, blocking out the shouts and screams with headphones and music.

He remembered his mother visiting him and making him containers filled with the dish, commenting on how little he was eating.

He remembered his father screaming at him.

He remembered everything.

And before he knew it, the tears softly fell to his cheeks.

“Raf? What's wrong?” The faint sound of Sonny's voice brought him to the present. Before he could respond, strong arms wrapped around him, comforting him. “I'm sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” he asked, his voice thick with emotion.

“I- I don't know.”

They both laughed at how ridiculous this was. That Rafael was crying, that Sonny was apologising.

Sonny leaned back, lifting his hands to cup Rafael's face, his thumbs gently wiping away the tears.

“You made _Ropa Vieja._ ”

Sonny smiled, and Rafael felt his own lips lift into a smile.

“I thought you might like it. We don't have to-”

Rafael placed a sweet, slightly damp kiss on Sonny's lips.

“It smells perfect.”

It truly did. Exactly the way his Abuelita taught him to make it.

“Really? I wasn't sure, I've never made this before...” He paused, blushing slightly, but never turning his gaze from Rafael's eyes. “Before you.”

“I love you.”

It slipped out before he could stop it.

It was so early in their relationship.

It was so much to be saying it.

It was _so true_.

Sonny's eyes crinkled as his lips pulled into a wide smile.

“I wouldn't say that yet, you haven't tasted it.”

Rafael gave him a slight shove, not enough to actually push him away.

“People usually say it back when someone tells them that they love them.”

“Most people haven't been told that by you.” Sonny's eyes welled with emotion. “I love you too, Raf.”

This time, when they kissed, the love they shared coursed through their connected lips, filling their bodies with the sweeping emotion.

  


**Sun-dried Tomato and Goat’s Cheese Pizza**

 

Rafael was feeling a totally different kind of nervous. He'd never experienced this before in his life.

In the entire year they had been dating, he had never cooked for Sonny. Not once. He paid for meals, he accepted Sonny's perfect cooking, but he never picked up the utensils to do it himself.

Here he was now, standing in his kitchen, praying Sonny wouldn't smell the faint burning smell that still lingered.

The first attempt at cooking Sonny's favourite pizza had resulted in a black, charcoaled monstrosity. It was truly inedible.

The second attempt had somehow ended up tasting like salt. Just salt. Literally nothing else. He wasn't sure how he had managed it, considering he'd followed the recipe to the letter.

He was so tempted to just order takeaway, but he'd made a promise. That on their one-year anniversary, he would cook for Sonny.

So here was attempt number three in the oven.

A knock at the door caused him to jump. He checked his watch, to see that Sonny was twenty minutes early. He cursed his boyfriend's promptness as he opened the door.

“Hey, Raf-”

“You're early.”

Sonny chuckled and pressed a sweet kiss to Rafael's cheek as he stepped in.

“I'm good, Raf. Thanks for asking. How are you?”

Rafael shut the door, spying something in Sonny's hands.

“What's that?”

Sonny planted a cheeky smirk on his face.

“It's the reason I'm here early.” He opened the piece of fabric, and Rafael rolled his eyes when it was finally revealed. An apron. His boyfriend had got him a fucking apron. A beautiful lilac with 'Rafi’ embroidered with sea-green thread, but an apron nonetheless. “You've gotta wear an apron when you cook.”

Before Rafael could protest, Sonny had practically pounced on him, tying it up behind him.

“I can't believe you got me a fucking apron.”

He couldn't be annoyed though, especially when Sonny pressed a sweet kiss to his neck.

“Now we can match in the kitchen.”

“Go make yourself comfortable, it'll be ready in ten minutes.”

 

Rafael felt he could vomit from the nerves. He watched Sonny lift a piece of the pizza to his mouth and take a bite. Only then did he understand why Sonny never started eating until he did. Until he told Sonny what he thought. He was doing it now, eagerly waiting Sonny's reaction.

His eyes closed, chewing his bite slowly.

Rafael held his breath.

“It's good,” Sonny finally said and Rafael finally let his breath out. “Better than I expected.”

“You should never have doubted me,” Rafael replied cockily, if anything to cover up the anxiety that still remained in his system.

Sonny just rolled his eyes and took another bite, and Rafael finally felt like he could eat. He took his own bite. It was… okay. Not great. The flavours were there, but it tasted over-cooked and a little dry.

“You really think it's good?” He asked after swallowing his bite.

Sonny gave him a suspicious look.

“It's… better than I expected,” he repeated.

Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Sonny, come on.”

“It's good. Because you cooked it. And I can tell you _really_ tried, because I can definitely smell charcoal in the air, which tells me this wasn't your first attempt.”

Rafael froze for a moment, having been called out on his shame. They then burst out laughing.

The pizza really wasn't great, but Sonny made a point of eating all of his pieces to show his support, and Rafael ate all of his out of sheer stubbornness.

As soon as the meal was over however, he felt nervous.

The pieces of paper in his back pocket reminded him of his plan.

He could do this.

He had already organised everything.

He could _do_ this.

He wouldn't be intimidated by Sonny.

He was just about to ask, when Sonny grabbed their empty plates and made his way to Rafael's kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Rafael asked, following him as he placed the plates into the sink.

“Cleaning up?”

Rafael squared his shoulders.

“Absolutely not. No. You never let me clean up when you cook. It's my turn now. Get on the couch, watch some TV, and _relax._ Please.”

Sonny stepped close to him, letting his lips hover just over Rafael's.

“Only 'cause you said _please._ ”

 

Once the cleaning was all done, Rafael joined Sonny on the couch, handing him a beer as he did.

“So, Sonny, I-”

“God, I'll never get used to you calling me that.”

Rafael felt a flicker of annoyance course through him at being cut off.

“What, 'Sonny’?”

“Yeah. It's nice.”

And just like that, all he felt was love.

“Sonny. You know how we disclosed recently?”

He reached out and linked Rafael's fingers with his own.

“I remember how happy it made me.”

Rafael rolled his eyes at the corny comment.

“Well, I spoke to Liv after that. She agreed you deserve some time off.”

Sonny's eyes widened.

“What? Why? Did I do something? I can't think of-”

“Whoa, whoa, stop,” Rafael cut him off from his ramblings. “It's nothing bad. She just agreed that you deserve a break.”

Sonny calmed down, just a little.

“Okay, but… why?”

It was now or never.

Rafael reached into his pocket, pulling the tickets out and handing them over wordlessly.

Sonny's eyes raked over the papers, growing wider and wider.

“Rafi. What is this?” he whispered, finally looking Rafael in the eyes.

“Two first class tickets to Athens. I thought we could start in Greece, and finish up in Spain.”

Sonny's jaw dropped.

“Wh- what? Finish what?”

Rafael bit his lip, damning Sonny Carisi and his ability to make him nervous.

“You once said you'd love to do a food tour of Europe.”

Sonny's breathing quickened, and Rafael had a brief moment where he thought he was going to start hyperventilating. Instead he let out a surprised laugh.

“Rafi, I can't believe this. You- I can't-”

“So you like it?”

Sonny responded by pulling Rafael in for a messy, passionate kiss.

“I love it,” he breathed when they broke apart. Rafael grinned.

Sonny was _so happy._ He was so excited.

Then his face changed. It fell, losing all traces of happiness.

“Sonny, what's-”

“I got you an _apron,_ ” he groaned, burying his face in Rafael's chest dramatically.

All he could do was laugh and place an arm around Sonny's shoulders.

“And I love it.”

It was true.

He did love it.

Sonny lifted his head, and they found themselves so close. Noses almost touching. Eyes locked.

They leaned in and pressed a beautiful kiss to each other's lips.

“I love you, Sonny.”

Rafael realised in that moment, he would do anything to keep Sonny around forever.

“I love you too, Raf.”

As they kissed once again, Rafael was already planning another surprise for Sonny. He could already picture it.

A perfect sunset casting warm light over their villa in Italy, the scent of a delicious meal in front of them, and Sonny sitting across from him. The sun lighting Sonny up in the most beautiful way. His smile causing Rafael's heart to sing. His eyes bringing tears to Rafael's own.

He could practically feel the ring in his hand already.

Sonny Carisi made him nervous, and excited, and frustrated, and free, and he loved him for that.


End file.
